Honk if you want to risk your life on New Jersey roads

Driving in New Jersey is like living in Mad Max: the streets are a lawless, post-apocalyptic free-for-all where the aggressive do as they please and the timid are left limp and lifeless on the side of the road, unable to cling to one more precious breath of air as the toxic fumes of society’s death speed by in souped up, dual exhaust Hondas. Trust me, of all the things I had to get used to when I moved up here from North Carolina, driving was one of the most difficult. I come from an area where people do not tailgate, wait patiently to turn onto other roads, and do not pass those cars waiting to turn.

In New Jersey, drivers get into the left lane of the highway and stay there, no matter how many cars line up behind them, eager to go faster. In New Jersey, the shoulder is merely another lane for cars to pass those stopped and waiting to turn left. In New Jersey, it is a driver’s right, given by God Himself, to pull out into the street and block on-coming traffic as it waits to turn left out of the Stoprite parking lot. In New Jersey, the only time it is acceptable to take your hand off the horn is when you are raising it to give someone the finger. In New Jersey, if someone is going too slow, the only solution is to practically tap their rear bumper – this will undoubtedly solve your problem. In New Jersey, when the light turns red, at least five cars can still slide through and turn left. That’s just common sense. And in New Jersey, if you don’t like it, you can take your non-fake-tanned rear somewhere else.